Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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