No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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