yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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