I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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