I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
