I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
