I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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