Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
