I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
