Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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