Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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