I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
