Can i not drive my cunt home
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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