so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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