barbara walters just said penis...
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
