Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
