Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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