Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
