Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Randomize
