you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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