I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
