I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
