On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
