We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
