I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
