she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize