so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
