my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
