I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
