i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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