Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
