My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
