i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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