I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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