My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
