he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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