you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
