Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
