I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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