i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
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