just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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