So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
