Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
