my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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