Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
