Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
