And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
