i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It was confusing and full of hummus
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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