My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
