just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
