Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
