**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
