I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
he had hair everywhere except his balls
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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