Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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