my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
