Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
