Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
