eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just forgot I was standing up.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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