Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
