So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
