Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize